I solemnly swear suffer for severe IAD (Internet Addiction Disorder) and CUD (Caffeine Underdose Disorientation), in short I am a coffeeholic and internet freak... I go to seventh heaven just by the sight or smell of a good cup o' coffee... and I have an obsession...

I want to travel the world and taste all the coffee around the world *smacks head to get back to reality* since that is only a dream for now, at least I would like share my coffee-venture.. hopefully one day I would be lucky enough to go traveling and coffee hunting around the world.. <3

My entries are not that interesting, some are just my blabberings, but if you want to befriend me, I welcome you. ^^

Dante's CarMach - Dante's Cafe Mocha - Bengawan's Brandy Mocha & The Ultimate (need enough supply before working)

While working: Nescafe's Original Coffee - Capucini's Chocolate Cofee - another Bengawan's Brandy Mocha while working



( ...welcome to my coffee heaven )

 Lifehouse have a new single 'Halfway Gone' from their fifth studio album 'Smoke and Mirrors.' The contemplative tune evokes a relationship on the rocks: "If you want me out, then I'm on my way, cause you're halfway in, but don't take too long, cause I'm halfway gone." The album -- in stores Dec. 8th -- follows Lifehouse's 2007 'Who We Are' and will be available in both a standard, deluxe edition and a two-disc deluxe edition. Be sure to listen to their debut single, 'Halfway Gone,' on AOL Radio's Pop Mix station. 



Love the song! Great job guys!

( Lyrics... )

If I say that I don't miss, I'm lying. I do, I am.

I miss the moments, I miss "Me".

 

"Me" was so familiar..

Every morning used to start the same way.

Waking up. Doing morning rounds of FB patrol.

Getting ready. Rushing to the office.

Elevator queue. Five, fifteen minutes. Depends on luck.

One, two, three attempts with the old finger prints machine.

Morning greetings. Coffee. Toilet runaways.

Pantry Gossip. Never ending photo shots.

Non-quality breakfasts. 10k worth of lunch. Cityloft nights.

Desperate sighs. Boring times. Enthusiasm.

Work. Laugh. Dreams.  I miss the moments.

All four bosses. Miss Gaptek. Partner in Crime.

Eagle Eye. McSilly. Pak RT. Miss Nasi Lemper.

Excel. Work. PPT. Corel. Autocad.

Surveys. Draft. Finalized. Deadlines.

All rings and rhymes so familiarly.

..and now "me" is gone.

 

Needing a redefinition.

I need to know who "me" will be.

Where "me" will go.

What will change, what will stay.

All the same, yet all is different.

Until I find, until I define.

Not daring to tangle into anything. Anyone.

Not wanting everything to tumble down.

Looking a place to lay my anchor.

Trying my best staying awake to chase a dream.

 

Learn to fluttering like a butterfly.

Leaving trails of moments.

Touching heart by heart.

Leaving memories to hatch.

From a caterpillar to a butterfly.

Metamorphosis. We change. People change.

Yet deep inside we are still the same.

I'm learning to let go. Learning to set free.

If it comes back, if you come back. If it stays, if you stay.

Believe that if it's mine to keep. You're mine to keep.

People come and go. Memories fade away. Moments pass.

 

..yet all I can taste is this moment.

All that I need is this moment.

Coz sooner or later it's over.

Everything will be gone and done.

Another day "Me" will change again.

Moments, are all we need. All that matters.

Taste, appreciate, honor. Each moment.

Before you miss, before you need to redefine.

 

Note:

My mind.. Goo Goo Dolls & Denny Duquette's "Moments. That's all you get with the people you love."  (Grey's Anatomy).  In the spirit of missing "me" yet excited to find out how high "me" *could* fly. I'm excited, to chase a dream. Life is bittersweet.. *sigh & smile*

 

I miss my life for the past 1,5 years. I miss my colleagues. I miss our moments. I miss everything. Like I said, it's not a goodbye. Anyway, we're still connected by (the amazing) thing called the Internet (and FB). Somehow I feel that I'm still there with you guys. :)

 

Anyway, for those who said they like my notes, thank you. I heart you. <3 

Desperate for changing, starving for truth.

Just hanging by a moment here with you.

 

Bitter-sweet.

Closest  feeling to "happiness" that I know.

Or maybe even stronger.

It's addictive.

Beautiful, yet violent.

Soothing, yet agonizing.

Warm, yet painful.

I'm addicted.

 

 

 

You just know the time when you love someone without hoping anything in return. It's liberating.

 

Admiration. Inspiration. Love.

All should be free.

I know that everyone craves to be with someone.

I am aware that everyone is longing to be loved.

I understand that everyone wants that warm fuzzy feeling.

No, I'm not saying that I'm not one of them. I am. I do.

 

( Read more... )

crazyfrogleg @ Flickr

I see chapter by chapter passing by, page by page, word by word. Intertwined in the book of life. Sometimes, we feel like putting a bookmark and not wanting to flip the page over. Other times, we would like to rip the page and erase what has happened. Most of the times, we can't wait to skip a few chapters to reach the final conclusion.

 

Yet, it is inevitable. The chapters keep on moving. The pages keep on turning. The author never stops writing until the finale.

 

In some chapters we are the main character, in others we are merely a bystander watching by the line. It's hard to simply watch the scenes, with no power to interfere and change the scenario. Yet, that's how the book goes.

 

Randomly flipping through the chapters….

 

( Read more... )

 

 

Everybody's looking for that something, 
one thing that makes it all complete.. 

"What more are you looking for?" 
People often ask me this question. 
Too picky. A dreamer. Asking for too much. Naive.
Actually, I don't think I'm asking for too much (am I)?
Mr. Thomas More just summarized it in one simple sentence... 

"A friendship like love is warm; a love like friendship is steady." by Thomas More

I found friendship as warm as love. 
Still seeking to find a love as steady as friendship..
..if it does exist. I do believe it exists.
It's just that it's not easy to find.

( Read more... )

 

</div>

 Happy, sad. Hopeful, hurt. Light, dark. Love, hate. Laugh, cry. Tired, fired up. Yin, yang. All in one. Life is like a bitter sweet symphony. You can't expect to have one, without experiencing the other. It's like two sides of a coin. 

Glancing aside, she looked at the opened window, listening to the calming voices of the rain and allowing the cool breeze soothing herself. Feels so good.. Feels like the world stopped spinning for a while. Under the caress of gentle fingers soothing her pain, relieving the tensed body, she had a moment for herself..

Looking at her own reflection. Something she used to hate. She used to loathe. She looked into the mirror. No, no, more loathe. She saw a girl with a smile, a genuine smile, not the usual broken smile. It stopped. The self loathing stopped. 

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" (Charles Schulz)

"What happened?" she asked. Something went right, something definitely went right. She can't (or not willing to) figure it out, yet. She doesn't want anything to change. Afraid that the merry-go-round will start spinning again. Let it be, let it be, at least for a while. No, no, no.. She's not going to dig on that part. Let it be.

Coffee. Friends. Surprises. Grief. Conclusions. Determination. Hope. 

She traced back, remembering what happened in the past week. Faintly she smiled. It was a blasting (and shocking) week! A hell lot of fun (and sorrow). Yeah, it was a bitter sweet week. She smiled thoughtfully.

We started over coffee, we started out as friends ((with chats))
It's funny how from simple things, the best things begin
This is it, oh..
I finally found someone((S)) 
Someone((S)) to share my life

((note: okay, it's a pun *lol*I, know, I'm on lebay mode.. haha))

She finds it interesting that she met most of her closest people very unexpectedly. She found the ones who understands her the most in the weirdest way. Yes, life is full of surprises..

A sprained ankle. Beloved dogs. A meeting. A Mardi Grass shirt. Cupcake fights. Competition. A spoon of coffee. Scrabble. Writings. Bickerings. A random "hello". It's like there's an invisible magnet pulling them together. As if they were meant to meet each other.

Then again, she knows.. She's nothing like ordinary. She's uncommon. She's a nerd. She's weird. She's strange. She's queer. Maybe the weirdest things are to be expected for the queer folks. ((yay! I just love the "queer" word. Haha!))

She's pleased to have her people gather together. It's been a while. We smile, we fight, we laugh, we cry together. We share bitter sweet moments.

"What happened?" isn't important anymore. Something(s) changed, something (s) went right, that's all that matters. Now, she is able to see the blue sky and white clouds. That's all that matters. She's ready to flip the page to the next chapter..


Note:
Enticed by some gatherings, a massage, the rain and a hot cup of coffee.

She went out alone in the dark with a small torch, trying to suppress the fear, determined to open up the graves. Digging so deep, pulling everything out that she's trying to hide until now. It must've hit the core, since it hurt so bad. Tears forming, but unable to drop. Aching heavily in that spot where it feels all dark and grey. Keep digging, keep digging. Keep digging until nothing is left. Making sure each and every skeleton are resting in peace. Starting to dig from the very first one. What she found  were empty graves and more empty graves. Where were the corpses? Where were the skeletons?

 

In confusion, she looked around. Not far away, she saw them,  the skeletons were dancing. Dancing and rattling their bones. The tallest one approached and smiled to her, "Look at you now. One step closer to your dreams. Go, go, reach out for it." She smiled back to the skeleton. Her skeletons were doing fine. They heal. They dance. She hasn't. She's still learning.

 

All these time she was looking to the wrong way. She was facing away from them, only focusing to the ones which haven't been properly buried. She's been finding a way how to let the souls rest. Finding a proper ritual, a proper burial. Little she knows that all they need is time, to learn how to dance. She keeps on looking at the newly dead, hoping they would arise and dance. She's been gazing to the greyest part of the sky, only seeing the clouds, not seeing the whole sky (quote from a friend, see I don't steal, I'm giving you credit).

 

Then she kneeled down, touching the tombstone of the very last  victim she buried. You can't get away from murder, without carrying the baggage of rotten corpses in an LV body bag. You can't get away without carrying that heavy load of guilt. Guilt is the ghost who always haunts her everywhere. Guilt has accompanied her all along the way. She's so used to it that she forgot how it felt not carrying that heavy body bag. She's a convict. She killed too much. She's looking for a remedy, seeking for redemption. Let her take her sentence, she's guilty. Let her take her burden, her share. She believes that way one day Guilt will lift and walk away from her. She'll take her time of punishment to learn to dance, like the skeletons.

 

She won't let anyone else die, not under her watch. Not because of her. That load is too much to bear for her. She wants to stop the bleeding, wanting to bleed less. Another corpse, another wounded soul won't help. It won't help her heal. She killed enough. Killing is fast. She understands.

 

We kill, we regret, we carry around the guilt.

No, no more guilt please. No more regrets. No more killing.

Both dies. The victims and the killer.

It's not for your sake. Its for her sake.

She doesn't want to hurt anymore.

She's a retired killer.

 

No, no matter what you say, she can't take the risk of adding another corpse to carry around. She's giving in, not giving up. She found a resolution, her resolution. Learning to dance like the skeletons.

 

She understands, who she is. She's Lady Angst who finds comfort in the shadows. Let it be. She'll take her time. Preparing to be ready when the clouds rest and the sun shines through. 

 

She sees a small shade of color beyond all the dark grey shdows. She sees a small spark of hope. Not in you. Not in others. In herself. To be able to face the sun again one day. She'll take her time to learn the dance of skeletons.

 

In the time being, let her guard the last corpse in her grave. Wait till it's ready to dance. It died under her watch, let her take the responsibility as the Graveyard Guard to watch it dance. She wants to see her last skeleton dance. While she learns about the light, she'll wait until the skeleton to dance.

Time is all we need. She believes in that small spark of hope. She believes that her skeleton will pull it through. She'll pull it through. Let her watch you dance. Let her be able to feel the sun. Dance, dance, she says to the last skeleton. She smiled sincerely, watching her skeleton.

 

***

 

Codes, codes. I live with codes. Angst, angst. I'm Lady Angst.  How I find comfort. Let it be. Finally able to see that faint shade of red beyond the grey and I'm not letting that die. Giving in, but not giving up. =)

24 September (well, not exactly, estimated date) eight years ago..

When I look back to 8 years ago, you were just a lil puppy, just as big as my palm. With that lil puppy eyes of yours, very fragile, pleading to be protected. You were the weakest among your siblings, the unwanted puppy because you were a just mutt with weak legs. Those lil pair of brown eyes, broke the icy barrier in my heart. I fell in love at the first sight. I want you. I need you.

"I will take care of you." I made a promise to protect you, until your last breath.

I still remember the first time I brought you to the vet, getting all worried, mistaking that cold runny nose of yours as a cold. The vet laughed at my foolishness, telling me that it means that you're healthy. I remember the times I secretly took you inside my room, afraid that you would get sick by the wind. I remember the days you forced your lil fragile legs to learn to walk. You tripped and fell, but in the end you succeeded. I remember how you magically stole the heart of the whole family.

Look at you now. The weak lil unwanted mutt grew up becoming a strong guardian. Now you are the one protecting me, protecting your pack. You are the alpha dog in the house. You taught me about loyalty, you taught me about determination, you taught me strength, you taught me how to be grateful, you taught me how to love unconditionally. You made me proud, being who you are now.

I don't care that people say you're just a dog, you're just a mutt. They don't know you. To me, you're my lil' Dog Prince. You stole my heart since the very first moment. And I feel grateful for being able to meet you.

I know that the time when He will calls you home back to the rainbow bridge will come, but until that comes, as I promised you before, Jose Pedro Alessandro, "I will take care of you." Until the end.

Note
Happy birthday my lil baby, I wuff you, Oche! <3

(I am still learning) We all walk in the dark and each of us must learn to turn on his or her own light. ~Earl Nightingale

 

Meditation is a mental discipline by which one attempts to get beyond the reflexive, "thinking" mind into a deeper state of relaxation or awareness (wikipedia.org). Everyone has their own ways of solving life issues, mine is "marshmallows". I find it surprisingly soothing of having the thought simply sit around with my people roasting marshmallows. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that fire can scare away evil spirits. Maybe it's because of the warmth and sweet scent from roasted marshmallows. Maybe it just feels nice to know that you're not alone in the dark. Or maybe it's just my lil' sick joke of trying to lit a bright shiny light (fire), while deep inside it's all grey.

 

I've been thinking (yes, I know I think too much, can't help it's a habit) why we can't stand the light. Why is the only kind of light we can bear is "marshmallow roasting"?

 

I stumbled on this quote, which made me laugh (sarcastically).

Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the (wo)man afraid of the light? ~Maurice Freehill

 

Are we foolish?  Why do we run? Or are we just too broken to fix? Are we so used  to the dark clouds and not wanting it to be lifted? That's the only familiar feeling to me, dark clouds. Maybe that's why even the sun can't stand to shine long enough, in a bit the clouds come back again. I'm too tired to seek for  light anymore. I though I found peace, but even in Peace I suffocate. Maybe even Peace is scared away by the dark clouds.

 

I'll just sit here with my people, enjoying marshmallows, waiting for the one who can reach out through the dark clouds and pull me into the light (if the one ever exist). In a weird way, I feel  a small spark of hope that one day the clouds will lift (or is that just a form of denial?). In a queer (yay, I love that word!) way, I feel fragile yet strong at the same. In a strange way, I feel content yet gloomy at the same time. In an odd way, I feel that I'm breaking and healing at the same time.

 

So, by the way, marshmallows, anyone? *passing around*

 

 

Note:

Be aware of typos and grammatical error, I'm having writing deficiency. haha Again, just my ramblings (this time not in the middle of the night), sorry this is what happens (to a writer-wannabe) when I have too much spare time, while not able to go out and do something worthwhile. Anyway, I wuff feedbacks.

It's hard to change a habit. Even though things have (started to) change(d), even though now I could sleep. Still, I can't go through a day without this song (on loop, repeated over and over). It's very deep. It makes me feel complete, fragile and strong at the same time. As usual, just my ramblings in the middle of the night.

Broken by Lifehouse (oh, I love Jason Wade, by the way)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZXHYItXWqE&feature=fvst

***

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

Standing on thin ice.
Not daring to move.
Finding comfort in fragile ground.
Trying to settle in the insecurities.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

Holding my stance, balancing self on thin surface.
Not free, nor suffocating.
Unbound, yet barely breathing.
Suddenly, the spell broke apart.
Slowly taking careful steps to reach the edge.
Frightened to slip and fall.
Yet determined to cross.
The warmth slowly sipping through.
Feeling a faint nudge in the core.
Believing that one day the shadow will lift.
Finally able to believe again.

 I think I found the answers. I found the answer. Finally.

 

All this time I've been feeling lost, feeling out of place. I keep looking the way to find Peace, but she is no where in sight. The more I try to find Peace, the less peace I feel. All this time I was looking in the wrong place.

 

I just realized that everything is connected. Everything is just one piece of thread so tangled up, making it almost impossible to ease. I've been looking on the wrong end, trying to fix one part, while the main distress still remains.

 

I tried to find a way to forgive. To forget. To let go. To find Peace. To cleanse my blackened heart. To stop the bleed inside. I tried. But I still hold a grudge. I still hate. I still hurt. I still get sad. I still cry. I haven't found Peace.

 

Tonight, I let myself be vulnerable. For a while, I glanced back to the past and went through the memories. Just to find that everything is just a piece of thread.  I realized all I have to do is unknot thread and (hopefully) everything along the other end will be fine. All I need to do is to find peace within myself and the rest will follow along.

 

I will find peace with myself.

 

…and maybe, one day I will believe again.

 

Note:

Just me and my blabbering in the middle of the night, triggered by a photo and an email,  relieved by a chat, accompanied by a song by the Lifehouse.

The Fray is a Grammy Award-nominated four-piece piano rock band. Formed in 2002 by schoolmates Isaac Slade and Joe King, the Denver-based group released their debut album How to Save a Life in 2005. The band is best known for the song "How to Save a Life", which charted in the top three of the Billboard Hot 100 and was also a top 5 single in Canada, Australia, Ireland, Sweden, and the United Kingdom. The Fray also found national success with the songs "Over My Head (Cable Car)" and "You Found Me", which became a top fifteen hits in the United States and Canada. How to Save a Life was certified double platinum by the RIAA and was also certified platinum in Australia and New Zealand. The Fray recently signed on for the 2008/2009 year as an ambassador for VH1's Save The Music Foundation.^[1] They performed at the American Music Awards on November 23, 2008.^[2]

( ...learn How to Save A Life )

( Tune In )

 

Snagged from Prambors Top 40

Links for LJ Themes

Bottled Sky Themes (bottledsky )
lj_design 
thefulcrum 
spiralbound_lj 
premade_ljs 


Previous Themes

Morning Garden by bottledsky ~ Current theme
Expressive by chasethestars

I just *love* his new single, Try Try Try! It's very relaxing and comforting. Can't wait until the video clip is out. Anymore J. Mraz lovers out there?

***

T-R-Y
Oh baby we can fight like dogs we can fight like cats
a dirty laundry needs a laundry man
maybe the king and the queen should lay off the caffeine
baby breathe before you react

( try, try, try... )